One day, I went out to pick up the paper. Nothing unusual so far. I was wearing my Freudian slippers (a 2007 Christmas present from the wife) and red-checked robe. The paper sat in the mud between the sidewalk and the curb. I still have not figured out why the paper boy does that. He walks down the sidewalk, and instead of placing the paper on the paved walkway to our door, or even tossing it up on our porch, he turns in the opposite direction and places it in the yet-unseeded and subsequently muddy patch on the other side. Little twerp.
Thoughts of a similar nature ran through my head as I braved the cold, when I bent over to grab the paper and heard a voice say, "Fart."
"That is odd," I thought to myself. "Usually I hear farts when I bend over, but I don't usually hear the word fart. Has my posterior suddenly become articulate? How polite of it." And I began walking back up the walkway.
"Fart," it said again. "Fart fart."
"I know that I ate expired sour cream last night, but this is ridiculous! Such an abundance of flatulence is extremely unusual. Could it be that someone was yelling profanities at me?" My heart saddened slightly. The thought of having a communicative butt was intriguing. So many questions could finally be answered. Looking around, however, it seemed as though the source of the sound was not part of my self. It did not even look like it was a part of this world.
"Who are you?" I inquired.
"I am Cuthbert, a troll of the third order, Sporco patrol. Fart FART!" And with that, he saluted.
"Well Cuthbert, let's clear the air, so to speak. What is with your constant dictation of the word, 'fart'?"
"After much observation, I found that it is the word most likely get your attention. Time is presently not a commodity we have present, so..."
Cuthbert proceeded to unfold to me a story of troll oppression so dastardly and heartbreaking that I could not help but help him. I would tell you what he looks like, or what I helped him and the Sporco patrol overthrow, but I was sworn to secrecy. One does NOT break an oath with a troll. Especially not those of the third order, Sporco patrol. I am sure I would wake up tomorrow missing who knows what body part. All I can tell you for now is this, Rosebud.
Hey, Pushy MacPusherson, you were the one who wanted, nay, needed to know why I had not been posting. I have told you all that I can due the ongoing sensitive nature of the mission. More may come later. Or it may not.
Matilda turned six months old today! We have already established that I believe that my child is the most beautiful, intelligent, fun, loving, fun-loving, smiley, laughy, strong, engaging, curious, addicting, radiating, scintillating, cool kid in the world. And I do not just say that because I am her father. I say that because if you put your child next to mine, ten out of ten people will agree that Matilda surpasses yours in each of the above-stated areas. Be offended, but if you are, then in the words of my good friend, and only other male blogger of which I know, "Suck it, dorks." Thanks, Alex, for putting it so well.
Here are some of her recent accomplishments:
- Laughs a nice, deep, infectious laugh for her mommy and daddy. She's a very appreciative audience. Her favorite joke? Sneezing. She also likes daddy's crazy spastickeries.
- Rolls from tummy to back every time she is on her tummy. Has been doing this since she was less than two months. She has also twice rolled from back to front.
- Sits up unsupported. Her longest stint is 7 minutes alone, then I think she got bored.
- She loves food. I'm not talking about bottle food, either. She eats level 1 solid foods like a champ - barely any mess. My mother, grandmother, aunts, and anyone who sees her eat says, "Oh dear me, I have never in all my years seen a child who eats with such immaculate cleanliness and precision." Verbatim. Her favorite is sweet potato mush, which incidentally is also the only one I would eat if threatened with removal of a limb.
- She loves it when I read to her. Usually she'll just cuddle up to me and pat me with her arm until she falls asleep. So far, we've read the first Harry Potter, The Little Prince, and Pinocchio, all in Italian. We have also read Matilda in English. I don't know what our next book will be,
- She makes all sorts of cute sounds, including "Guh", "Fffffff", "Duh", "Ppppppp", "Goiii", and her favorite, "Aaaaaaaa".
- She loves patting and punching, especially with her right arm. Sometimes when she gets really sleepy, she'll just sit there and punch herself in the face with her fist. It is funny and cute. The best is when I come home and she comes to me and just pats my arm, as if to say, "Gee, I'm glad you're home!"
- She always looks for Mommy and Daddy when she knows they should be around. Even when my mom is babysitting, Matilda will always be looking around for me until she has seen me leave. She has also started to lean back towards Megan and I when we try and pass her to someone else. It's cute and heartwarming, but I hope she doesn't get stranger anxiety.
- She sleeps through the night without getting up to eat. Has since she was 2 weeks old. Her longest uninterrupted stint was 14 hours. Usually it's 8-10. Such a good sleeper! Takes good naps too.
- I love throwing her in the air, and she loves it too. Usually she spits up after, though.
Kind of reminds me of this:
In other news, we celebrated her six month birthday by taking her to a location devoid of caring or emotion where people inflict physical pain. I jest. I have had my moment of verbal aggression against the physicians. They do good work. I do not think they should get paid what they do to do it, but that is a topic for another day. I do apologize for any prior immaturity I may have expressed when talking about punching a doctor or nurse for taking blood samples or administering shots. It was mostly for comedic effect.
Since I finally took the time to clean some space off our memory card (we had not deleted any pictures since Matilda was born), I decided to photograph the events of the day as they unfolded. Here is what I have thus far.
Matilda enjoying a nice breakfast of Lightning McQueen. It came out of a box of Rice Krispies, so it must have some nutritional value, right? Trivia of interest: I bought these pajamas for Matilda about eighteen months ago, thinking they would be perfect for Christmas. These 3-6 month threads are just about right on her six month birthday. But hey, at 25 inches she moved into the 25th percentile for height, which is progress. She still rests just below the 5th percentile in weight at 13.00 lbs, and her head circumference is at the 35th percentile.
She knows when she looks cool, and she knows it in this picture. Ever since I can remember I been poppin' my colla, poppin' poppin' my colla, poopin' poopin' my diapa!
Tilly loves the water, and especially sticking her hands and feet in flowing water. This kid has been reaching for everything, and starting to grab. No more eating cereal with her on my lap, I guess.
If she has to get out of the bath (which she hates), at least she can get all snuggly in her turtle towel (which she loves)!
She has been sitting up for 5-6 minute stretches for about two weeks now. She only falls over when she tries to look too far over her shoulder, or reach to far forward for a toy. Other than that, she is very stable and good at balancing/correcting herself. The doctor was very impressed and said that her muscle tone is right now what they usually expect to see in 8-9 month-old babies.
A cute profile shot of her on her changing table in front of the window in her room. What a cute little nose. Such good posture, too!
Just enjoying watching the world go by.
Mommy helping her get undressed so that the doctor and nurses can do their thing. The poor thing is woefully ignorant of what is coming. I did give her some baby Tylenol about 30 min before, just to help out as much as I could.
Ignorant no more.
A little angry face and some comfort food. Luckily, she had not yet had her nap today, so after just a few minutes of angry growls and scowls, she was out like dead fish. But not as stinky.
1 comment:
oh my! the crying shot of tilly makes me want to start crying...OH THE HORROR!
Love, Ana
p.s. SHE IS SO CUTE!
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